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Author and Editor

Ass Sex. What?

Content warning: I’m going to discuss, in graphic detail, (cause apparently we REALLY need this) for writers and maybe those wanting to try it, the do and do not of butt sex.

Flat out, this post will have too much information (which doesn’t embarrass me in the slightest, I write erotica/erotic romance, I’ve been a sexuality educator, I love sex when I want to have it (sex-positive ace) and yes, I love butt sex.

I can’t call it butt sex anymore, my face keeps squinching up every time I type it that way.  I’m ditching the PG terminology now.

I’ve talked to my penis-owning partner too, so I’ll do this from both the receiving and giving side of things.

I’m non-binary trans but I have breasts and a vagina, so… some of this stuff is only MY experience cause… like, I have those parts, so, I don’t know any other way.

This post IS mostly for writers, but I’ll add some links (if I can find them) at the bottom for those who want to read more in order to try it.

It’s very common for people who have never done a particular sex act to write that sex act.

I don’t have a huge problem with this; IF THE AUTHOR HAS DONE THEIR DUE DILIGENCE AND DONE THEIR RESEARCH AND HAD A SENSITIVITY READER!

I haven’t done EVERYTHING I’ve written about either, (95% of it yeah, but some things I *can’t* do cause I don’t have a penis and it would hurt me to do a full suspension because of my fibromyalgia. I’ve done partial suspensions though, so, I have *some* experience thereof.)

ALL of my M/M scenes are vetted by three, experienced, gay or bi male beta readers. Every single one. They are quite happy to smack me down (they’ve known me since university, trust me, there’s history here) if I goof something up or give me pointers on how to write it better.

And speaking of experience. Ass sex. Yes. I do it, I love it. In fact, a lot of times I prefer it to vaginal sex for so many reasons I’m not going into.

(Okay. Fine, I’ve had two kids via vaginal birth, had to have reconstructive surgery, and I’m trans, I’m not AS fond of vaginal sex for a number of reasons having to do with physical/emotional comfort.)

Yet there persists this way of writing ass sex that IF it were real, would very likely cause damage to both participants. (Basically, no prep, no lube, shove it in, everyone has fun! Right? NO! WRONG! BAD!)

Hey. Rectal tissue is FAR more thin/sensitive than vaginal or oral tissue. You CAN’T just jam a large, not-smooth object up your ass and expect it to feel good. Not without lube or prep. Seriously, it’d be like being fisted by an Orangutan. Or an eggplant. Or whatever.

I take my responsibility as an author of kinky stuff very seriously. I honestly have extremely strong opinions and words for people who write stuff like kink or ass sex in ways that can cause damage. This stuff is NOT a game.

It can be fun as hell, but it’s not something to take lightly.

A LOT of people learn from fiction. For MANY people, the first place they encounter things like ass sex, or kink, or hell, any kind of sex at all, is through fiction.

If you’re writing it? You should (this is one of the few times I use the word SHOULD) have DONE it, RESEARCHED THE HELL out of it, or TALKED TO SOMEONE who DOES do it.

No. Exceptions. Nope. None. And by read about it, I do NOT mean reading other badly written, poorly researched pieces of fiction. I mean doing the actual legwork to find reputable sources.

I personally know several people who have been harmed after their partners read 50 Shades. EL James really ought to pay the massive medical bills of those people. Ya’know, if she had any decency. Which, unless I’m wrong, she doesn’t. I personally hope her millions choke her like the godsdamned fake she is. Oops. Not sorry.

I myself have been ‘surprised’ by an ex-boyfriend who thought ass sex was the same as vaginal sex after reading a story in Penthouse. This is a form of rape, by the way, so don’t do it. Ever.

The Nitty Gritty.

Communication. Anal play should never be a surprise. EVER. This goes for in real life and in fiction. You NEED to talk about that shit, and if you’re writing it, you need to be WRITING THE TALKING ABOUT THAT SHIT. (You don’t necessarily need to write out the whole conversation, but you do need to make it clear that there has been communication, and/or that everyone is a willing participant. I’ve read some amazing stuff involving ass sex without on page words about it, and utterly wretched stuff too. It’s a very fine line. Don’t fuck it up. YOU can be the CAUSE of someone HARMING someone ELSE!) You’re not taking that seriously? I don’t want to know you. I don’t give a good gods damn about your ‘fantasies’. Nope.

Lube. Lube is sexy, it’s USUALLY necessary for all kinds of sex. It’s a myth that someone is gonna get wet and stay wet all through coitus (regardless of the orifice).

Use Lube. If you’re writing ass sex, you NEED to include some form of lube unless, as a mutual of mine joked on Twitter, you’re a self-lubricating werewolf.

The anus does not self-lubricate to any great extent. And while, yes, an experienced practitioner of this form of lovemaking can have lube-free sex, I REALLY don’t recommend it. (I’ve done it twice, once by surprise when I was not in control. Once by choice, and I WAS in control. Regardless, I do not recommend. While sweat, mucus, body oil et cetera can give SOME natural lube, it only works if it’s done slowly and honestly? It’s still not great.)

For the writing folks, if you’re trying to write a scene where there’s supposed to be an element of haste and passion and such, it’s possible to make do with a handful of saliva, or precum from the penis, (don’t @ me about that; I’m an editor in real life,  it’s cum for the exudate, come to climax/come for the experience, another thing I’d REALLY like erotica writers to get right, it’s got nothing to do with ‘class’ fuck that shit. LMAO! I can fake class with the best of them, I have ridiculously wealthy (stingy AF relatives) doesn’t mean I see the point to being fake.)

You know, even, if it’s a m/f pairing, you can get away with writing it with lubing from secretions from the vagina. But there has to be SOMETHING.

Shoving a dry cock up someone’s unprepared asshole is a damned good way to get massive abrasions, a broken superficial dorsal vein in the penis or even a fully fractured penis. Erm. You can also have a rectal fissure. Yo, real talk, that shit HURTS. I mean, like, to the penis WIELDER and the ASSHOLE RECIEVER. (penis owning partner said so, and I’ve been on the receiving end, so YEOWCH OMFG STAWP ALREADY.)

So, could we, just maybe, stop writing anal sex like penis in vagina sex? I guarantee you they are COMPLETELY different animals.

KINDS of lube. Unless you’re fluid bonded and clean *getting tested is sexy*, you should be using condoms. If you’re using condoms, do NOT use an oil-based lube (common ones are butter, oil, etc, use water/silicone with latex based condoms). And I just realized I could do a whole blog post on the different fun kinds of lubes and the various types of condoms. Lolz! Oih. I know a lot about sex. Odd for an ace!

If you’re doing it bareback (meaning no condom) I still recommend a good quality water or silicone based lube. Some people prefer coconut oil, which is a nice slippery substance, and it smells nice,  but I recommend putting a towel down because it stains sheets.

Speaking of towels: Put a dark colored one down. You can probably skip this part for writing, because lolz, we don’t talk about a lot of things in writing that we need to do in real life with regards to kink (maybe we should?) because ass sex can be messy.

If you’ve/your MC has moved your/their bowels in the past 3-5 hours, you’re probably safe with regards to poop, but lube itself can be messy and stain sheets. A lot of females figure out they’re an ejaculatory female (um, hint, we ALL ARE) doing ass sex, so… um… yeah. Messy! (OMFG awesome though, if it’s your thing.)

The reason a lot of females find out they’re REALLY multiorgasmic with ass sex is that the penis (or toy) can stimulate the dorsal (back) nerve endings of the clitoris through the thinner lining of the rectum. Dude, it’s amazing. Add a vibrator of some sort for the front side of the clit, and the toy or penis at the backside? Stratospheric babe, if it’s your thing.

Baby wipes are your/your MCs friend: For real. Nothing cleans up the area afterwards as well as baby wipes. EVEN THEN you/your MC need to go sit on the john, then shower off using soap and water to avoid any inconvenient issues. (Inconvenient issues can be unexpected. IE: the explosive shits (seriously, you’ve just had a cock ejaculating up your ass, it = nice warm enema) or Bacterial Vaginosis, or Urethral infection, go wash, make sure he does too, pee for gods’ sake, that’s what you’re supposed to do! Urine is sterile, the temperature of the body makes sure it kills bacteria

No switching without switching: By that, I mean that once you/your MC go in the backdoor (anus) you do NOT go back into the vagina without either washing or changing condoms. (Applies to fingers and tongues, too) Like… NO. Same goes for anus to mouth/penis/toy/finger interactions. I should HOPE I don’t need to go into detail as to how these are good ways to get sick.

FOREPLAY. I used caps for a reason. So many erotica/erotic romance writers write scenes w/o a lot of foreplay. I do too, there’s only so many words you can put towards a sex scene in a full-length story. 1-4k is really the sweet spot. And for someone like me, the emotions make the physical happen (I’m demisexual, no emotions means no ANYTHING no matter which buttons you press, so to speak.)

But you can spare a sentence or three about lubing up the anus, finger play, rimming (tongue in/around anus) and all the other fun stuff you can do with a clean asshole.

Please let me repeat (cause OMFG I’m so sick of reading it) dry cock in unprepped, unlubed asshole is a very OUCH sort of thing. I don’t care HOW hot your characters are for each other. A note from my penis-wielding partner is that males tend to have a lot more hair at the back door that females do, it’s like masturbating with steel wool (his words, shared w/explicit permission) and if it’s shaved, without lube it feels a lot like sandpaper (regardless of bio-sex).

Why foreplay? Two words. Anal. Sphincter. Seriously, you’re thinking about doing (or gods’ please, if you’re going to WRITE IT) anal sex? Play with your asshole. Look, you can’t touch your own? YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS WRITING IT!!! None. Nope. Not even close to sorry. We mammals have a VERY strong muscular contraction around the anus. It keeps the poop inside. It keeps bacteria OUTSIDE. So… frankly… foreplay relaxes the muscles.

Realistically, it takes between 10 to 15 minutes of foreplay to relax the anal sphincter enough to allow penetration by anything. So a kiss, a fumble, a flip him/her/them/xem/em over? Yeaaaahnope. It doesn’t work that way in real life, WHY THE FUCK WOULD IT WORK THAT WAY IN FICTION.

Look. When it comes to sex, there IS wiggle room between REAL LIFE and FICTION, but it’s a fine damned line. Get. It. Right. Or don’t fucking write it.

Positioning. It’s not the same for ass sex as it is for vaginal, or frotting, or oral, or a hand job. TAKE IT SLOW. If (as me) you have a vagina, tilt your hips up and open your thighs wide and RELAX.

If you’ve never done it, or your MC hasn’t ever done it, have them (or you) on their back. It’s easier as far as bodily tension. You’re standing up? You have more muscular tension than you do laying down. This applies to sex, no matter HOW you’re doing it.

Finding the right spot isn’t a bulls-eye peeps, har har, I amuse myself, really! Porn is ugh, not accurate (I did the whole look away RDJ omfg face at that phrase). Fingers, tongue, cock, toys (done all but the cock cause I don’t have one) it takes some feeling around, to hit the bullseye. Really. Promise. Take your time, use lube. Fireworks, maybe, hopefully?

Porn. Um. I actually like porn, a lot. They get so much wrong with regards to real sex (especially anal, but, like, all of it). In specific. Short, jabbing, jackrabbit motions? No. I can only speak for me, and my current partner, lolz, who has been incredibly vocal about this subject today, but… no. His (and my) opinion of that is, ‘Who actually does that?’ and, ‘That hurts BOTH the giver AND the receiver’, and OMFG!! Who does that?! Sooo.

Lolz, he also had the (shared with express permission) opinion that “Dude, if you’re gonna be a jackrabbit, at least have the fucking courtesy of giving a reach-around. (For innie or outie), I mean, it’s RIGHT THERE!” Yes. He cracks me up on a very regular basis.

Also, on the subject of soft-porn, the whole ‘anal ramming’ thing that is so common in porn and (shudders) romance? Yeahhhhhhnope. NOPE. NO! (Winces, ow.)

PATIENCE. You (and your MC) aren’t likely to orgasm the first few times. I mean, awesome if you do (I DID NOT) but it’s a learned skill. We (as human types) are both socially and physically conditioned to think of that as an OUT, not an IN. Be patient with YOU and with YOUR PARTNER. (And seriously, have your MCs be patient too. Doesn’t take a lot.)

I’ve blathered enough, @ me on twitter w/questions, I’m happy to answer. Or you can explore the following links. But seriously? Internet was really NOT helpful with regards to this subject.

Every time I think I’m not THAT kinky? That maybe I might be vanilla with strawberry chips?

Uh. Yeah. I realize that I’m deep, dark chocolate with nuts, caramel, and marshmallows. OMFG.

Kinky sex is my life.

I do this, and I write it. I have books and stuff. There are rather positive reviews. Review copies available ’til I get my unicorn (writer’s humour, not sorry). I’d recommend going with the Ilavani series if you’re looking for kink. I didn’t hold back in that one.

These are okay links. I don’t recommend relying on google-fu for ass-sex info, cause frankly? It’s rather full of fearmongering bullshittery.

https://greatist.com/play/anal-sex-facts-safety

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/tips/a6574/buttplay-for-the-wary/ 

And, you know… if you learned something, it took me upwards of 6 hours to write this, (more) vet it, proof it and, well, I’m sharing my knowledge and experience, so here are the links.

If you want them.

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