Content Warning: Domestic abuse.
Abusers love to victim blame. It’s always there, if you look for it.
“You pushed me into it.”
“It’s YOUR fault I hurt you.”
“You MADE me lose my temper.”
Sometimes the littlest thing can trigger me. I got triggered tonight, and it brought so many things back to me.
Things I really don’t want to think about.
But they’re still there, still part of me.
I’m constantly saying ‘Sorry doesn’t fix it.”
It doesn’t. You can say you’re sorry as much as you want, and sure, it’s nice to hear, but… it never fixes it. That’s harmless enough if you left the toothpaste cap off, but when it comes to harm? Hurting someone else physically or emotionally?
Once abuse, especially repetitive abuse has happened to someone… well, I guess we can heal, but that damage is and will always be a scar we carry.
The Japanese have a tradition that I’ve always loved, that of ‘healing’ pottery with gold, silver or platinum.
It’s called Kintsugi, and I’ve always adored the concept.
But gold won’t heal my scars. It won’t heal the scars of any Domestic Violence survivor.
And reading about a DV victim tonight… one who couldn’t get away made me so sad. The constant judgment calls about ‘well why didn’t she just leave?’ That followed it…
Yeah. It hurt.
Look, sometimes, you CAN’T leave. you CAN’T get out.
If you’ve got small kids, sometimes the ONLY choice is to stay in a bad situation, because leaving and taking the kids with you? That would put you all in a WORSE situation.
Stay with someone who only hurts someone once a year or so… OR take the kids to a shelter and hope like hell you can manage to feed all of you?
If you can’t… what, you starve?
I don’t envy people in those boats. I really don’t.
Because an abuser will ALWAYS justify their actions. They will ALWAYS put the blame on someone else.
Because it’s never THEIR fault. It’s never THEIR responsibility to do better, be better.
Always. It’s rather one of the hallmarks of the breed.
I wish so much for everyone in that situation to be safe, and loved, and able to leave and still remain safe and loved.
I wish everyone who has experienced Domestic Abuse could find peace, and independence from their abusers.
Because it’s nigh impossible for a person with kids to make it on their own these days (props to every single parent out there, I have no idea how you do it.)
The other thing that I and many DV victims/survivors do?
We learn to rationalize the abuser’s behavior.
We learn to THINK that… maybe if *I* hadn’t done *X* my abuser wouldn’t have turned on me.
But they would’ve. Eventually.
They always do.